SO YOU WANT TO DO A PhD?

Before you embark on a PhD, you should consider your reasons for choosing this course. Here are some of the most common reasons for embarking on a PhD: which of them apply to you?

"I have a diagnosable mental illness"
It is a popular misconception that you would have to be mad to start a PhD. As we will show below, there are a number of other possible reasons for postgraduate studies. Still, this is a good one. If you are stark raving bonkers, you will fit right in to the academic world. If insanity is your main reason for wanting to do a PhD, however, there are a few things you should consider first. Have you sought treatment? Many mental illnesses are now curable or at least controllable with a simple course of medication. Others may be resolved with appropriate counselling in less time than it takes to complete a PhD. If, however, you are certain that your insanity will last the distance, go right ahead and sign those scholarship forms.

"I can't get a job."
Perhaps your undergraduate degree was a BA. Perhaps your grades are good, but you have the social skills of a discombobulated iguana and don't do so well in interviews. Perhaps the state of the economy is such that only job available is as a trainee kitchen hand in your uncle's fast-food joint, and you are too proud to take it. Any of these factors may mean that you are basically unemployable, and further education may be a wise choice. It won't change anything, but at least it will keep you off the streets for the next few years.

"I think it would be cool to have "Dr" before my name on my credit cards."
Well yes, it is cool. But not everyone thinks so. Judges and most jurors are unlikely to have PhDs of their own, and may not be understanding after you are found strangling with your bare hands a clerk who nonetheless insists on calling you 'Miss'. "But your honour, 'Miss' is a demeaning appellation symptomatic of over a century's subjugation of women and besides, I lived on ramen noodles and relied for hydration on nothing but my own recycled sweat and tears for four years, all the while enslaved to the whims of an arbitrary, inconsistent and uncaring supervisor, just to earn those two fucking letters" is unlikely to go down well at your hearing.

"I'm too ugly to be a model or an actor or even a prostitute."
Well, you've probably got a point. Still, there are other possible career options, and, if you've been down Oxford St. recently, you might want to rethink the latter one.

"Smart chicks are hot."
There are two options here. Either you're a girl hoping to capitalise on the mystique of the intellectual woman, in which case I'm afraid to say that a pair of glasses and a library card will provide pretty much the same effect, or you're a guy, hoping to use that line to get some action with a lonely and undersexed bookish type, in which case, a better bet would be a six-pack of lemon ruskies and a sympathetic expression. A PhD will almost never help you pick up. And as long as I'm offering free advice, they don't really want to know about your research, they're just being polite. Make something up. You'll thank me.

"PhD..? I was just looking to put my application for the lab tech job, so that I can have a salary and job security and can still wear the funky white coat."
Now you're talking baby!

Next time: Choosing a topic..

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